The Top 10 Sexiest Monsters (Yes, I'm serious.)

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Hello, and welcome to my list of the top 10 sexiest monsters. Due to the nature of this list and some of the things I say, I’m gonna have to ask you to turn around and leave if you aren’t 18 years of age. Also, I recommend leaving if you know me personally, and have no desire to see this side of me. In either case, I can’t stop you, but I also won’t apologize for what I’m about to say, or how it may effect you and/or your view of me. Now let’s have some fun!

Number 10: Sleep Paralysis Demons

Let's be real for a second, that shadowy figure that looms over you as your half awake body struggles to distinguish between dream and reality is kind of a looker. They’ve probably been with you for years, and though you’re scared of them, they generally keep their distance.They may look scary, but under all that inky shadow is a heart of gold. They only come out when you’re asleep so as not to scare you, they lean over you while you’re asleep to make sure you’re okay, and they don’t even ask for a blood sacrifice, just a little taste of your fear to sustain them. Is it an ideal relationship? No, but for an adrenaline junkie, and someone who likes the thrill of danger, a sleep paralysis demon could be a real catch. 

 

Number 9: Vampires

Alucard from the Castlevania series

    A few years ago, vampires were all over fiction and it’s about damn time for them to make a comeback. When you get down to it, they’re mostly just people. Once you ignore the symbolism of wealthy billionaires feeding on the life force of the common people, and the room temperature body heat, you’ve basically just got a normal relationship. Going outside during the day is out of the question, but the night life is where it’s at. And dinner dates would be incredible. Couples cooking for each other is already an intimate experience, so just imagine how much more intimate it would be to be your partner’s meal. So why are these stylish undead so low on the list? Getting bitten kind of hurts and as good as they can look, I don’t think many people want to fuck somone whose insides probably feel like a corpse.

 

Number 8: Aliens

Also @BeastSoulArt. (Sorry for cropping out your watermark.)

I know this one is kinda broad, so stick with me here. When I talk about aliens, I’m talking xenomorphs, asari, yautja, heptopods, all of them. Now if we were just talking about yautja and xenomorphs, we’d be much, much higher, but there are a decent number of aliens that just aren’t that sexy. Like, where the shit do I even put my dick when I’m banging a heptopod, or tholian? And that’s disregarding the ones that can’t even share an atmosphere with us terrans. In short, I would definitely let a xenomorph lay eggs in me, or let a yautja or klingon hunt me for sport, but a lot of aliens are just a bit too alien.

 

Number 7: Androids

Art by Sarah.exe

It’s arguable that androids aren’t even monsters. That’s fair. I’m not here to change your mind, I’m just here to say that they’ve got the potential to be sexy beasts, and I think Tasha Yar would agree. They’re flexible, variable, literally designed to look good, and you could theoretically swap out whatever they’ve got between their legs. So why are they so low? Few reasons. First they’re machines. Even if they achieve human level sentience, they’re machines with hard metal skeletons, no heartbeat, and no body heat. Or rather, if they do have body heat, that’s its own problem because they might be overheating. Finally there’s the issue of the power dynamic. We built them. There’s an inherent difference in power between us, and it raises various ethical questions that I’m not qualified to address in this sexy joke article.

 

Number 6: Tentacle Monsters

“The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife” by Hokusai 1814

We’ve all seen enough hentai to know where this is going... If you’ve spent any amount of time exposed to internet culture, you’re aware, at least in passing, of tentacle hentai. People have been wanting to get fucked stupid by tentacles for centuries. Why? I’m not entirely sure, but the thought doesn’t sound unappealing. Now the issue is that for all the people I’ve seen get destroyed by tentacles, I’ve never actually seen the beastie that sports them. I can only assume they must be a looker given their popularity, but that’s just speculation. Also, they only seem to want to top for some reason. I can respect that, but if I can’t at least see the face of the monster that’s filling my holes, I might as well stay home and take care of it myself.

 

Number 5: Merfolk

    What’s the saying? “One part sexy, another part human?” Yeah no. Sorry. Regardless of what tingly feelings Sidon or the creature from The Shape of Water give me, there’s an issue here. Now I won’t say that merfolk might not be good for a fuck. But you should probably keep it to a one night stand. First there’s the issue of us humans not being able to breathe down there, now I’ve heard rumors that some merfolk can use magic to fix that, but I’m not here to report rumors as fact. I’m here to talk about fucking monsters. The other issue is that they’re half fish. This means I have no idea how the pregnancy issue works. It’s not a problem if you’re gay, but it is still a worry. Also, my boyfriend tells me fish are apparently slimy? So if you wanted to fuck anywhere that wasn’t underwater, you’d have slime all over the place before you even finished dinner. Merfolk are straight up snaccs, but can be more trouble than they’re worth.

 

Number 4: Succubi & Incubi

Alright, y'all probably saw this coming. They are literal sex demons. Whatever you want, they can handle it. Any position, any toys, any anything. Seems like they’d be the ultimate lay, right? WRONG! These are DEMONS. They always want something, and it’s doubtful they just want your seed. They’re sexy, but it’s tough to appreciate all that when you know they’re trying to vore your soul and leave your mortal body a husk of its former self. Sorry demons; you’re just not worth it.

 

Number 3: Werewolves

Art by Patto on Furaffinity and Twitter

Werewolves are the metaphor for the beastial nature of humanity and how anyone could be a dangerous monster waiting to rip you to shreds. And I say “yes please. Please rip me apart, and maybe bite me somewhere so I can also be a big fluffy boy.” I won’t mince words: Werewolves are damn near perfect. They’re big, dangerous, and the dictionary definition of sexy beasts. They’re not for everyone, and the canine junk might be a turn off for some, but if you’re brave, don’t mind getting slightly mauled and/or maimed, it could be pretty fun to try taking the knot. So why aren’t they the sexiest monster? Two major reasons. First: I’m fairly sure canine genitalia is a turn-off to a lot of people. I don’t think it would bother me as long as the werewolf passes the Harkness test, but I have to dock a few points there. And secondly: I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but raping animals is bad. I bring this up because I’m aware that a werewolf may not be fully in control. This brings up questions of consent, and intelligence and that make me really uncomfortable. If the werewolf stays fully in control and has consented beforehand, I’m in. Sounds fun.

 

Number 2: Dragons

Art by Tatiilange

Dragons. Legendary monsters that eat princesses, horde gold, and act as spiritual guardians. Arguably, they’re divine. But let’s ignore that for a second and talk about how fucking sexy they are. First, they’ve got those big leathery wings. Imagine how cozy it would be to fall asleep under one of those and hear the heavy breathing of your enormous partner next to you. Next, you remember that scene from Aladdin? ‘Course you do; well you can do that without the annoying sentient carpet. You worried about getting cold because reptiles are cold blooded? Think again, motherfucker! Dragons breathe fire and therefore aren’t cold. What’s your role? You wanna be taken care of? Welcome to the dragon’s horde. You feeling dominant? What’s more dominant than bossing around a monster several times your size. You into vore? That’s on the table, and so are you. And all this is disregarding that your wonderful dragon boyfriend who treats you like the treasure you are is packing not one, but two cocks you could play with all day. And you don’t even have to worry about modesty. On dragons, everything’s internal. There’s no downside. So what could possibly be better?

 

Number 1: Shapeshifters

That’s right. Shapeshifters. Why is there no picture? Because you can’t prove there aren’t shapeshifters in those other pictures. You may disagree with the rest of the rankings on this list, but I defy anyone to tell me I’m wrong here. No matter what you want in a partner, a shape shifter can meet your needs. You like the way that succubus looked, but don’t want her to damn you to an eternity in hell? A shapeshifter could copy her exactly with none of the downsides. You want to fuck an alien? Maybe the shapeshifter is an alien. Anyone who’s watched DS9 will tell you that Odo is good looking, and in later seasons has no shortage of sexual encounters. Want a tentacle monster who you can make eye contact with? Shapeshifter. There’s literally no downside as long as your personalities line up and you’ve got chemistry. Just be aware that shapeshifters are legendarily good at ghosting people.

Honorable Mentions

Humans

Have you seen us? We’re sexy and terrible. If we’re not monsters then what the fuck is?

Skeletons

Skeletons are good for a trip to the bone zone, but are too hard to do anything with. They’re probably pretty good at foreplay, but they’ve been erect for too long should’ve sought medical attention after the first four years.

Biblically Accurate Angels

“BE NOT AFRAID” They announce while emerging from the bathroom. They excused themself to slip into something more comfortable, but the glow coming from where you assume their genitals are is blinding. Their many wings cannot fit through the door. Their flaming halo has set the curtains on fire twice now, and while you find yourself inexplicably attracted to their ethereal and otherworldly beauty, it’s difficult to know which of their dozens of eyes you should be looking at.